Im kind of upset right now.
In my driver's class there is this black kid named Dustin. The past few days he has been picking on me,
and just- today sent me a little bit over the edge. He took my papers, and he slid them off and they went across the room. I know this isn't really a big deal. But he was doing it every other five minutes, telling me to shut up, kept turning around and looking at me. The teachers are high-school coaches and just honestly don't give a flying fuck if you told them that something was wrong.
I honestly don't know what to do..
Back to things that don't make me want to cut myself.
Today I only had a slice of pizza, and I am back to 166lbs my followers :)
I have my learner's permit :D
And my mom didn't kill me when she found out I took the cigarettes >:D
I swear this is the only reason why I like my period.
You are never hungry, and when you are the feeling is barely there.
Im not sure what kind of thinspo I will do today. Maybe scenie-weenie. :P
God damn, I want to be them.
Hey Guys,
I kind of have gotten down to 166ish, but it's going to be kind of hard to tell because I have been drinking a lot the past few days, so water weight is there.
Today was fairly good. I opened one of my mom's new pack of cigarettes and smoked like.. five of them. And I haven't got shit yet, so either she hasn't looked at that pack yet, or she just doesn't care anymore. I really hope she just doesn't care.
Today for lunch I have 2 1/2 5-layer burritos from TacoBell (those are kind of my weakness), but ofcourse it came back up.
Driving school is actually crazy fun. Im not saying that because "OOOO IM DRIVIN' A CAR, 20 POINTS IF I HIT THE OLD LADYYY"- but because we are in a class room setting. I sit with my friends Rachel and Lindsey, and im kind of friends with this one black kid. I have no idea what his name is but today he kept knocking my soda and papers over. Asshole. Also, there is this one kid that came in yesterday with these ripped up tight jean shorts, and this tank top, just covered in sweat. He has brown hair, brown eyes, a tad bit of acne (NOT like pizza face. Just here and there.) My friend rachel and lindsey were like "Oh gosh, he's so cute." I just took one look at him and said "Ew."
But today he looked really cute, maybe it was because of all the sweat yesterday. I just really hope I have a good seat next to him tomorrow. So im going to see if I can get in early enough or whatever.
What I like most about driving school is that I don't eat all! There are a lot of restaurants in the strip mall where my school is located but I dont eat there since our break is like 5-15 minutes long. I dont eat for lunch when my dad is home, so they give me money when I go to the school so I can have "dinner". So they are just basically giving me money. And I do squat nothing. :)
I also highly believe that my instructor-teacher-guy is a Pedo. Im not kidding! All his little "driving experiences" (which he told us like over 50 today. Literally.) was all GIRLS. But what I do like about him is that he smokes and he is honest about it. During our five minute break he said "Yeah- you guys go do whatever, I'm going to have a cigarette." Haha :)
Anyways guys, here is some thinspo :)
Once again, I love this little doll- Ariana Grande :D
I'm very disappointed in myself.
..But I have three followers now!
I gained 6 pounds from just staying one blasted night at my brother's.
But I have three followers!
Yep that's right I gained 6 pounds while I was at Eric's (my brother.)
I can totally understand why, I just didn't think it would be that many pounds. Oh well, and calorie is a god damn fucking calorie.
So the day I got there, I had only eaten a Chicken Parmigano Pasta or something spelled along those lines over at RedRobins (YUM!). I really, really, really LOVE that place. Unfortunately the most killer food, and hottest guy waiters. That's all I ate for like actual food wise. BUUUTTT, when living amongst sin- thou cave into evil. Meaning I ate handfuls of cheerios and played beer-pong. ;D (Also Apples to Apples!)
Next day I had two grilled cheese sandwiches, and 2 reeses cups.. and a big.. tall.. cold.. glass of heavy chocolate milk. My brother's room mate got it and I fucking made it. I know I shouldn't have but going over there is kind of going off in to LALA-WHEREVERTHEFUCK-land. I get to do what I want. Not to sound spoiled. I smoke and I drink, and I eat like a girl thats trying to get a gravitational pull and craters in the face to match with it.
Im surprised it was only 6 pounds then I was like FUCK 6 POUNDS D:<
But it's okay. Just by skipping dinner last night I lost three, so it's okay.
What I really wanted to kind of do while I was there was to swim or go walking for awhile like i usually do everyday but the pool was closed and Eric doesn't go walking on the weekends.
Instead of eating dinner yesterday I went practice driving with my dad, and it was really fun. Besides a random car showing up all of a sudden. I was like "PLEASE DON'T DRIVE AROUND THE PARKING LOT, I WILL WRECK YOUR SHIT."
It was quite a sight.
Speaking of cars, I actually have my FIRST driver's ed class today. Im really nervous. My friend Rachel that is going turns out didnt turn her V.O.E. in, which is proof of enrollment in school. But her name is still on the chart and everything from what she told me so I guess it's all good? I dont know?
I need advice for exercises!!! And I have a (somewhat broken) weak ankle, and both of my wrists are very damaged.
It's going to be very hard for when im walking later because I now have this blister that takes up most of the space of the ball of my foot. It sucks and blows.
Anyways THINSPO--
Turns out im not going to my brother's for today, but I'm going tomorrow.
Even though its just for one day, I just seriously dont want to screw up.
Sure there are those days when you treat yourself with a pizza slice or something.
But if I dont eat a lot, he will know something is up.
I'm back to being 166, apparently I'm just all sorts of MAGICAL.
For dinner we had burger king, I had a plain Cheese burger and a shit ton of frys though :P I just couldn't stop eating them! They were so yummy! keep me away from those.
Also I had fail to mention earlier, I went to walmart. I bought a butt ton of foundation shit. its amazing.
BUT I STILL COULD NOT GET THE BLACK CRACKLE NAIL POLISH.
Also;
Toxic: I love the crap out of your blog, it just totally speaks to me. And so far, I'm only doing the prego-sauce for the under arms. Do you have any to suggest?
Last night was just completely horrible.
I did all my exercises;
-300 sit ups
-100 under arm on each arm
-30 minutes on the treadmill.
You bet I was in pain. Then, my friend Pruitt called me and we had a conference call with him and his girlfriend.
He was just downing me and her for the whole entire hour. So, I ate; 2 slices of pizza (with ranch), a piece of cake, 2 bowls of cereal, and a bowl of soup.
You bet I binged and purged. I purged like I accidentally OD'd and I was trying to get that shit out of me.
Then something magical happened. I weighed myself this morning, and I weighed 166.
I dont know about you, but that just lighten me up. I was so surprised I did a triple-take at that number.
But then my Dad and I went to Ihop, and I had gotten the spinach and cheesy omelet thingy. Spinach was good, the cheesy omelet was not. I had 5 glasses of water with the meal and the waiter was like "holy shit."
Haha :P
But today is Friday, and every weekend I usually go over to my older brother's apartment. Im a wee bit cautious right now, because EVERYTIME I go over there I eat like such a fucking slob, its disgusting. Last time I gained five pound. FIVE POUNDS over the course of TWO DAYS. FUCKING FIVE POUNDS IN TWO DAYS! You thought 2-girls-1-cup was nasty, bullshit, THAT IS NASTY.
Wish me luck. Please. Oh, and here is some more thinspo <3
This morning I weighed myself, and I weighed 168. Not that shabby I must say :P
Im really happy to be back into the 60's!
And I was also surprised to say that I have a follower now! I know, how lame of me to say.
So today was..interesting.
Instead of doing the 500 sit-ups, I did only 300. I know for a fact that I'm going to be hurting SO badly in the morning. I did the underarm exercises with the Prego-sauce (Which I still find a little funny). I told my mom about it, and she said that we had weights in my brother's old room. I feel ridiculous. I also did the 30 minute (What seems to be) daily treadmill routine. Im going to be feeling like absolute SHIT tomorrow.
I noticed that I'm starting to control my urges now, even with mia on my back. To me, its kind of a accomplishment because I know I'm not craving into EVERYTHING just because I can throw it back up.
I didn't eat the pizza, cake, cereal, or any other things when lunch time came around surprisingly.
But my mom did make me cook dinner. We had Blacken Salmon with Spinach (the type of spinach in the can, not the fresh stuff you get from plastic containers.)
I only had one Salmon, with two scoops of spinach. I did one bite at a time, while drinking huge gulps of water in between.
But of course I did throw that up. I weigh as of this moment, 168.5 (I weigh myself completely naked)
I really REALLY wish I had an accurate scale, I have one of those needle-point scales, and it just honestly sucks ass. I keep trying to tell my mom; "HEY, WE NEED A NEW SCALE" but she doesn't listen.
No, my parents don't know about my eating problems.
I blame mostly my father for it though. AT LEAST once a day he comments about my weight, and it's just so humiliating. He even does it public too!
Here is some of my favorite thinspo;
I absolutely am IN LOVE with Ariana Grande (the red head)
She is on Victorious on Nickelodeon, and she's an amazing actress, and shes really cute, and super thin!
CW: 170
I was fairly good today about eating.
But it's getting harder and harder to cover up the lies. Not to my parents but to Pruitt.
Today for lunch I went to freebirds, I ordered the "Hybird" which is the smallest size they have, but the waiter decides to give me the "Freebird", which is the normal size they have there.
I ate it anyways, but then my dad's coworker got a brownie and decides to give me the other half. Ofcourse I was like "Dammit, I shouldn't." But I did anyways.
I went home, and ofcourse threw it up. Puritt called me afterward when I was cleaning up the mess, and then he heard me flush the toilet. He asked why I flushed the toilet and I said I just got done cleaning up the place, and told him I didn't throw up.
Lie.
But then later on I decided to have a small amount of cereal (Special K's yogurt and berries) because I noticed that I was starting to get dizzy when I stood up.
Don't worry i'm actually keeping it down.
But I did do my 30 minutes on the treadmill today, and later tonight when everyone is asleep, or just whenever I get to it I will;
-Do under arm exercises (5 sets of 20)
-And 500 ab crunches.
My mom pointed out that my gut is "starting to sag more" which i found completely repulsive! So I read earlier that this one girl is doing 500 crunches, so im like, okay! But i'm going to be doing it on this automan. Im not quite sure how you spell it, but its kind of like a cushiony thing you can prop your feet up and stuff. I have to do it on that because I have a VERY sensitive tailbone so it should make things easier, plus it will also work out my back muscles! :)
And the under arm exercises thingy will to be to get rid of my "flabby-arm-wings", and basically I will just be taking a big plastic (so it doesnt break if I drop it) jar of Prego sauce, and just pull it up and down, but just do the 5 sets of 20 on each arm. Im a little bit hyped up, but im SO not looking forward to the pain. Ouchie.
I really do love the snot out of those B-12 pills, but i'm slightly scared I might be taking so much to the point I might get some sort of calcification or some other disturbing thing. But what I have been noticing is that my left kidney is starting to hurt a bit.
I kind of can't wait for my results at the end of the summer, I really hope I shed a lot of pounds!
(Continuing on later from the last post..)
Im a little bit pleased right now, I thought I should just type in this little tid-bit before I go weigh myself.
Today I did not eat dinner. When my mom told me it was fajitas, I was doing a little cheer in my head when I found this out. Not because it's my favorite dish but I highly don't like it for some reason. Maybe it's just the way my mom cooks it? I dont know.
So today, I only had two slices of pizza with ranch (which later on came back up), and I have had nothing but water to drink. I smoked a few cigarettes today also. I really didn't think cigarettes suppressed hunger! But they actually did work for me a few minutes ago. Im not feeling the urge to eat yet, so that's really good. But I can most definitely tell I will be absolutely HUNGRY when I wake up. In which that case, I will eat the two remaining slices of pizza, bring it back up then 30 minutes on the treadmill. Once again, im scared for tomorrow's plans for food. Im not sure if my dad would like to go out and eat for lunch, or what we are going to be doing for dinner.. Please stick to the salads.. I hope my eyes wont wander to the lovely sections of sandwiches, pasta, and dessert.
So now to weigh myself, wish me luck!
CW: 171
Dammit, I thought it would have been 169 or so. But I took four, 1000mg B-12 pills so that should clean it up a bit. Hopefully.
Well, for one my name is Jess.
Im am currently 17 years old, and I live in Texas. Its summer break right now.
Im trying to work really hard to lose weight, fast enough that there will be a definite change when I return back to school from Summer. I am current 173lbs, and when I began this little "Adventure" I was 198lbs on March 10th, 2011.
There are some days when im heading for the long haul and then there are days when I eat until I look like a squirrel. I do believe the proper term for my diagnoses is Bulimic. Yeah, you don't see much of us around now-a-days. Anorexics like to taste their food once, and hate themselves for the rest of the day. Bulimics taste the greatness twice out of punishment, and continue the rest of our day with out throats burning.
Today I have never before felt so guilty about eating, and then throwing up.
I was on the phone with my friend Pruitt, and he told me that there was somethings he couldn't stand. One of them was E.D.'s. Of course naturally with my stubbornness and sarcastic-bitch nature, I was thinking "Oh, He is probably going to tell me how he had one, or someone close had it and hes going to try to guilt trip me. Right?" Wrong.
Apparently his mother was Anorexic with Bulimic tendencies, and if she kept the rate she was going, he would not have been born. She was completely mortify by the weight changes because of the baby growing inside of her so she decided to try to starve him out.
And after hearing this I was like- "Maybe a slice or two of pizza won't hurt.." But guilt came in and kicked my conscious until it was bruised. I told him I had to go, then I proceeded with throwing up and also jogging on the treadmill for 30 minutes.
Im only half way through the day. Im absolutely scared about dinner.
